Borrowing from the ADHD Toolkit.

Borrowing from the ADHD Toolkit.

(please remember to return the tools when you are done!)

Introduction

I was diagnosed with ADHD 14 months ago. I was 38, full of emotion, and experienced a complete paradigm shift of perspective. While it was the most profound realization I have had in my life, no one cared. I mean, my wife cared, my mom, and my dad cared. The people who have spent the most time with me throughout my life SHOULD care about those things, I hope. They've seen my struggles throughout the years. Probably all of my ex-girlfriends who knew anything about mental health could see signs. I appreciate their restraint. I wasn’t ready to hear that. Things change. Now I am excited about how this new framework can be used as a TOOL, so I can be more of the type of person that I want to be and accomplish things that have always given me trouble.

To the average person’s credit, they don’t know what ADHD is. Maybe they think of unruly children or maybe some tragically irresponsible adults. It could have been the overwhelming surge of mental health awakening on social media that brought the issue much-needed awareness and visibility. Maybe their understanding is filtered through skepticism of the medical industry, (and the pharmaceutical industry in particular.) Maybe they echo what their favorite bloggers and internet personalities say. Maybe they see ADHD merely as part of the spectrum of human behavior not to be managed or medicated but embraced as part of the rich tapestry of human experience. Maybe they see people pathologizing personal failings and making excuses for a lack of personal responsibility. (Anyone trying to know how long it can take to find a medication that works WITHOUT deal-breaking side effects would disagree.) Maybe they think it’s a side effect of too much sugar or artificial additives, not enough sleep, constant overstimulation from media, or a heritable genetic disorder that affects the frontal lobe. The list of possible opinions is much longer than this post. For me, that became irrelevant quickly. It doesn't matter if ADHD is "real" or not.

Debating its realness just distracts from addressing the fact that brains are different and some percentage of us deal with things to a more extreme and problematic extent than others. The world doesn't slow down for you and rarely accommodates you. So other people, the same people that don't care that you have ADHD don't, in turn, get to dictate the "right way" for you to improve your life. They don't get to determine what the "real" problem is, because after all the judgment, they have to go back to their life, and you are still stuck with yours.

Self Assessment

Ask yourself these questions. How well do you deal with stress? How well do you organize your time? How good is your memory? Can you emotionally self-regulate? Can you delay instant gratification? Can you meet deadlines? Are you good at reading social cues? Do you lose important items regularly? How long can you focus on one thing? Are you responsible for your money? Can you think of any time these symptoms have produced severe and/or long-lasting negative consequences? (personally, financially, and legally)

As musicians, every single one of those questions, whether you have ADHD or not, is of EXTREME importance. Scratch that, not even as a musician, but if you are functioning in the world with any level of proficiency or ease, you need at least some of these qualities, (or you’re just so stinking rich that these things don’t apply.) Those questions fit me like a glove in ways I'm not prepared to share. People who don’t even claim to have ADHD share some of the struggles that I have. So, I have made it a point to leverage what I’ve learned from therapy, my reading, and my work to become better; a better friend, not a perfect one, a better teacher, not a perfect one, and a better human.

Isn't that what we all want? Don’t we want to show up for ourselves and the people we love? Don’t we want to be more emotionally resilient? Don’t we want to be more kind and considerate to the people around us? Don’t we want to properly learn from our experiences, and use the wisdom that we gain to make better choices?

ADHD management is about creating systems in your life to protect you against your worst self. It involves writing things down, making lists, using a schedule, using timers, having accountability partners, realistically organizing your time in a way that is not overly ambitious, and setting clear, actionable goals that you break down into manageable steps. It requires minding your health. Your brain and your body are not separate. What you put in your body affects your mood, and how you handle stress. Your stress level is the #1 culprit for your lack of focus. Get plenty of rest! Move your body! When you’re putting in the work, the work pays you back exponentially. When you fail to do the work, when you take your body for granted, problems manifest in sneaky ways. If you’re having trouble focusing, you may not consider how much fast food you've eaten this month, how your sleep was the night before, or if you’ve been getting plenty of water or exercise. Without the basics, everything will feel much worse. So please don’t skip the water, don’t skip the good meal, don’t skip a good night's sleep, don’t skip exercise, because when you do get stressed out, (which is going to happen,) you want your body to be optimized to deal with that stress as best as it can.

All this may sound simple, but the simple things are often foundational. We can't take the foundational things for granted, or else we may atrophy. There's a reason you should never skip leg day! Or, think about marriage without communication, quality time, check-ins, physical affection, or showing up for each other. If you take for granted that your partner is just going to be there, your partner may feel neglected. The relationship will change probably without you even registering it. That’s the insidious part! Things that we don’t check in with will tend to get worse. There is nothing wrong with going back to basics. So, let's do that, but I'm going to add a twist... let's ALL pretend like we have ADHD!!!

I don’t know what you do for a living. I’m assuming that you’re here reading this because you like the drums, and you are interested in the mental game, what the emotional experience of being an artist or musician is. I find that the more open I am the better. When you are upfront about what’s going on in your life instead of being snarky, absent-minded, and not present, it makes a difference. When was the last time you said, “I am frustrated because I’m not playing the way that I want to play. I feel like I am overwhelmed and I have too much going on. I want to be here, but I’m also in survival mode. I feel like I’m not going to be able to make ends meet if I don’t keep this workload. I’m hoping that this will change so I will be able to devote more time and attention to it, but for right now, please be patient with me.” Closed mouths don't get fed. Your close bandmates, partners, friends, and family should be the type of people you can communicate your feelings to safely. However, that’s not a conversation that you can have with everybody. I’ve been there; your bosses aren’t therapists. To be quite honest, they have their stuff, and chances are they worked hard to get to where they are, and they care about what you doing to the extent that you fulfill your end of the deal. You have to care for yourself. You have to be supremely curious about yourself. You have to be supremely curious about the decisions you make and why. You have to be supremely curious every time you say you want to do something. What does it mean to WANT to get better at the drums? What does it mean to WISH you could practice more? Are the basics in place? Are you stressed? Are you eating good food? Are you hydrated? Do you exercise? If yes, and you are still having problems, the next part is for you.

The first tool, the Compass.

I want you to take notes tomorrow. I want you to write down everything you do, as you do it, along with the time. Don’t try to make changes. Live tomorrow the way you live it, but write everything down. Don’t be embarrassed to write down intimate stuff either; this list is for YOU. Don’t shy away from the habits you want to break. If writing them down is hard for you, that might be a sign you need to change some things. This is what it means to be curious. When you say you want to change, do you even know what that means? Do you want to practice more? Do you think ALL your time is accounted for? Cool. Let’s audit our day. Let’s see how much time there is and where it goes. Again, if you are resistant to this idea, ask yourself “Why.” Are you afraid that you are right and that you don’t have enough time? What does that imply? That normally means sacrifice, right? That can be liberating. When you understand your REAL capacity, not the imagined one you hope you have (then beat yourself up for not living up to), you can make better, more strategic decisions. Or, are you afraid you’ve been wasting time? Are you afraid that you actually might be lazy? Are you afraid every dark thought you’ve had about yourself is true? Your brain is lying to you. You can put the wrong type of pressure on yourself. The molehill can seem like a mountain if you are sinking.

We need to first get our bearings. We need to know where we are before we know what we need. Once we move in a direction and start to see the landscape change we can make informed decisions about course correcting. That's why this journey has been so powerful for me. The paradigm shift put into perspective where I was. Even though I realized I was lost in the desert I also realized that I was too far south. If you know where the sun sets and rises, you know where the north is. Your notes are your compass.  Keeping notes is the most essential tool in the ADHD toolkit. Without it, you are lost because your brain will lie to you. You've heard this line "Rome wasn't built in a day." Let's alter it a bit. Rome wasn't built by mistake. Going with the flow could get you to the ocean, but it could also dump you in the sewer.